Chapter 10
“Luckily, an acute control over his temper was not the man’s strong point. He was loathe to admit his weaknesses, and easy to rile. Though angering could have risked him drawing blood from the woman, he proved to be too rash and bitter to care about her once I had insulted him. Without much thought, he threw her aside and came after me. That was the last mistake he ever made, and he did not get to live to regret it.”
Halua listened intently to Banthus’ story. He couldn’t help but be enthralled, the man’s voice sucking him into the world that was created. It made him more and more envious of Banthus’ freedom to travel, and he longed to be like him. He had no hopes in being a mercenary, he knew his skill was nothing to bat an eyelash at, but that didn’t matter to him.
As the hours passed by and Banthus continued to talk, he watched the man all the while. If it were not for a knock at his door, Halua would have liked to continue their conversation. But when Mern announced his pending schedule, which included supper as well as a visit to Reshar, Halua knew he could not stay in the man’s company for much longer.
Sighing, he turned to Banthus and smiled sadly. “Would you like to share a meal with us?” he asked, hoping the man would accept.
However, Banthus shook his head. “It is not my place.”
Disappointed, Halua sighed. “But you will come again, won’t you? I do enjoy talking with you.”
“Yes, I will.” Banthus granted him a small smile.
The action made his heart do a little flip. He was surprised and delighted to see such a rare expression on the man’s face. Halua smiled back, feeling as if he had been privileged in a way no one else was. Banthus didn’t seem like the type of man who smiled a lot, or even had an array of different expressions. He often had a face of stone, stoic and unreadable. To see the edges soften into a true smile such as this was like a blessing.
When Banthus reached out to touch his cheek, Halua was even more surprised. He looked up at the man who continued to smile at him, hardly aware that the distance between them was closing until he suddenly found himself mere hand’s width away. Eyes widening, he stared with unblinking eyes as Banthus leaned in and pressed his lips to the corner of his brow.
He quickly drew in a breath and held it, frozen in shock. When Banthus pulled back to meet his gaze, the look in his eyes made Halua’s cheeks flush. “I bid you a good night, Halua.”
Halua couldn’t figure out how to use his tongue and say goodnight in return. He merely stared, flustered by the show of affection. He did not dare blink even as Banthus leaned back and walked away, disappearing from sight. It took him a few moments to remember how to breathe, and gasped for air. He melted against the window sill, covering his face with his arm as his brain finally registered what happened.
He did not move at all as he played the scene over and over in his head. The kiss upon his temple had shocked him, but what rattled him even more was his own response. He did not find it disgusting, nor did he wish to scrub his face clean. In fact, it was the opposite: he liked how it felt to have Banthus’ lips against his skin. The touch was so soft, so gentle, so unexpected and affectionate, it melted his heart and warmed him up inside.
A strange sensation filled his chest and flowed right down to the pit of his stomach, then came back up again. A sudden wave of giddiness overcame him and he laughed. He had to cover his mouth with his hand to keep from being overheard, for he certainly didn’t want to explain what was going on to anyone who might have asked. When the feeling passed, it was replaced by disbelief.
Halua almost thought he was dreaming. Maybe it didn’t happen that way. Maybe Banthus didn’t kiss him. But when he touched his temple and recalled the soft pressure of lips, Halua knew it wasn’t a dream. His mind wasn’t playing tricks on him, Banthus really did touch his cheek and kiss him.
The warmth in his chest grew hotter, burning its way down between his legs. Halua bit his lip. He liked Banthus. Like him in a way a woman liked a man. It was startling, and Halua wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. He never felt this for Reshar. Was the disguise of being a woman getting to him? Was it confusing him? Maybe he was getting too wrapped up in his role...
Shaking his head, though he wished to continue thinking about the matter, Halua pushed the thoughts aside and stepped away from the window. He left his room to join Mern for dinner. He must have had an odd expression on his face because Mern asked him if he felt ill. Halua denied it, though he wasn’t quite sure what he felt at this moment.
Mern didn’t look convinced by his answer, but the old man didn’t ask again. It was clear Halua wasn’t ready to talk about it, so he left it alone. When dinner drew to a close, Dhecir escorted him across the temple grounds to Prince Reshar’s quarters where they were greeted by Sewan.
Sewan smiled at Halua and gestured within. “He is in his room, Princess. Would you like me to take you?”
Halua shook his head. “No, that’s fine.” He left the guards by the door to converse and do whatever it was they deemed necessary. Making his way through the guest house, it wasn’t hard to locate the bedroom. When he found it, he gave a subtle knock on the door.
“Yes? Come in,” came Reshar’s voice on the other side.
Halua opened the door and spotted the prince on his bed. He had taken off the jacket of his uniform, which softened the edges of his image, but his straight back and studious gaze did not let Halua forget his character. Even without the clothes, Reshar was a strict, militant man.
Reshar lifted his head to look at him. “Princess,” he greeted.
Halua tipped his head in response. “Am I interrupting?” He glanced at the papers in the man’s hands. He was reading something. By the crease of his brow, it seemed important. Or frustrating.
Reshar shook his head. “No. This can wait.” He folded the papers and set them aside. “Did you come with Dhecir?”
“Yes. He is with your other guard, Sewan, right now.”
The prince nodded, as if he expected as much. “Then let us relocate to the other room. I do not wish to continue our conversation here.”
Halua stepped aside and waited for Reshar to take the lead. It seemed he didn’t enjoy carrying out his business, regardless what they were, in his private bedroom. Halua wasn’t quite sure how to react to that, except by simply accepting it as another of Reshar’s quirks. The relationship between the two of them was peculiar at best. Halua didn’t really understand Reshar, and it was certain that Reshar didn’t understand him. Yet they were drawn together by their parents and political purposes.
Halua knew he didn’t feel for Reshar like he felt for Banthus, and he wasn’t sure if he could. It was strange. Very strange. And since he wasn’t even entirely certain what he felt for Banthus was even the startings of love, or lust, how could he know if the emotion could be given to Reshar?
As they settled in the dining area where they had spoken last time Halua was here, Halua took the initiative to direct their conversation and address what was on his mind. “Prince, may I ask you something?”
Reshar looked across at him curiously. “Yes.”
“We have been charged with the task of getting to know one another in preparation for marriage that will unite our countries together. You are a man who is dutiful and I imagine you do what is necessary to complete the task at hand. But our marriage is not another battle. The application of strategy is... different, is it not?” Halua met Reshar’s eyes that gave nothing away. The man simply looked back at him, taking in what he said quietly. “So I ask... do you see yourself falling in love with me? Maybe not now, maybe not soon, but sometime in the future. Somewhere down the path that entwines our fates.”
The prince didn’t answer right away. Rather, he just continued to stare at Halua for a long moment before finally shifting in his seat. He leaned on his arms, folding them at the elbow. “That is a heavy question, Princess. In all honesty, I don’t know. I don’t particularly see myself ever falling in love with anyone, but I don’t consider it an impossibility either.”
Halua’s brows knitted slightly. “Have you ever loved someone, Prince? Anyone at all?”
“I love my parents, and I love my men, and I love my country,” Reshar replied, as if it were any easy question to answer. But the way he said it made Halua think that perhaps Reshar didn’t quite understand what he was asking.
Trying again, he said, “I mean someone special. Not familial love, or the love of comrades, or the love for one’s home. Romantic love. The love that inspires a person to surrender themselves wholeheartedly to just one other. Have you ever felt it? Have you ever experienced it?”
Reshar gave him a strange look. “You speak of fairytales, Princess. There is no such thing as that kind of love. You and I both know that we are not in a position to love in that sort of manner. We are nothing more than pieces in a greater plot.” He shook his head. “To answer your question, no. I have not. And I don’t believe I will. If you want me to love you like that, I’m afraid I will only disappoint you. I may love you like a princess, and I may love you like a queen, but beyond that...”
He didn’t finish his sentence but Halua didn’t need him to. What he was looking for would not be found in Reshar. Not an answer, and certainly not attraction. Reshar had made it clear that it was best they consider this as nothing more than a contract. Looking away for a moment, Halua gathered his thoughts. When he looked back at Reshar, he dared to ask a question he didn’t think he’d ever ask, “Would you fault me if I chose to love another?”
Reshar frowned. “You want to have a suitor whom you can love while still married to me?”
“I merely ask your opinion on the idea,” Halua corrected.
“Do you know what that would mean for the royal family? Of the sort of discord it would weave upon our heirs? You will one day be queen. Though I may not love you, you will eventually have to bear my child, my heir to the throne. If you also bear another man’s child, that would create disunity. And your child, whatever bastard it may be, will be considered tainted. Surely you have been taught the sort of hardships that you would have to face if you followed that route.”
Halua’s lips pressed together. He didn’t have to be taught, he lived it. As a child brought about by his father’s affair with his mother, he lived a secret life. His mother received her royalties, but she was also stripped of her real identity. Neither of them could live a proper life because Lord Teth had chosen to hide them from the public eye. He neither let them live as normal civilians, nor as proper royals connected to the line. And now that his half brothers were dead, leaving only one to take the throne, Halua was forced to be a scapegoat. Truly, it was an unfair life.
But Halua couldn’t bear children. There was no possible way that their hypothetical children could fight for rights to the throne. Which also meant that there would be no heir at all. If unless Reshar took up a woman himself and sired her child. That is, assuming Halua would be able to live past the shame of being found out as a man.
“I apologize. It was wrong of me to ask,” he said quietly.
Reshar watched him, his eyes flicking over Halua’s features as he looked town at the table between them. They sat in silence for a while, neither giving hint that there would be a continue to their conversation, or a start of a new one. Reshar settled back so that he rested against his chair and folded his arms over his lap. “Would it appease you if I tried to love you?”
When Halua sharply looked at him, his face portraying surprise, Reshar continued, “You would not have the need to look for affection elsewhere if I gave you all the love you require. Would you like me to love you?”
Halua couldn’t think of an answer quick enough. He couldn’t say yes, because he knew there would come a time when he would have to betray his love by revealing the true nature of his body. He couldn’t say either, for that would contradict all that he asked for; it was inconceivable for a woman not to ask for love from the man she was about to marry. Even a false woman such as Halua.
“I... But didn’t you say you would never come to love another person in that manner?” he asked instead of answering directly.
Reshar tipped a shoulder in half shrug. “I said it was highly unlikely. But not impossible. Though I may still disappoint you, Princess, I can try to love you. I can try to learn about you and find something that appeals to me. Something that might compel me to devote myself wholeheartedly to you.”
He was speechless. Halua hadn’t been expecting that sort of answer in the slightest. The possibility of Reshar liking him -- loving him, even -- seemed almost nonexistent. He might be tolerated, his existence accepted, but beyond that? He couldn’t think of anything to say.
1 comments:
This was a really good story!! Keep bloging!!!
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