Chapter 1
Nimble fingers pulled taut the string of the bow. Arms stretched wide, drawing back an arrow until the head barely brushed a knuckle. Halua leveled the bow and aimed, his muscles straining from the tension. He was barely able to hold the bow steady at the target before his fingers gave out. The arrow snapped through the air, piercing the painted target.
He sighed when he saw where it landed and lowered his arms. He never had the arm strength to wrestle with a bow this large. In fact, he hardly ever had the chance to hold one since he was often kept indoors. Despite living in the branch house, separated from everyone else, he and his mother were ordered to stay out of sight.
Very few knew of his mother’s affair with Teth. Most assumed she was just a servant of Svelia who had been given special honors. Of course, no one said this in the Lady’s presence. Even fewer people knew of his existence, assuming him to be his mother’s child from a previous arrangement.
It was lucky of him to carry more of his mother’s fairer features than Teth. If anyone had been smart enough to see the similarity with the lord, no doubt a whirlwind of gossip and chaos would ensue. Everyone always assumed Lord Teth was faithful to his wife.
Halua often wished the lord would come clean with his adulterating ways, but he understood why the man didn’t. As a figure of power, something as outlandish as having an affair with a woman with no particular status and even siring a bastard was simply not done. Halua knew this, but he did not agree with it. He supposed he could be happy with being left in peace with his mother. Hardly anyone ever bothered them, coming only to tidy up the house and garden before leaving again. He just wished he could see his father more often and have his approval.
Halua crossed the yard to pluck the arrow from the target. The sharp tip left behind a notch in the paint of the outer ring. He carried it back with him to the shed and returned bow and arrow to their proper racks. He knew he couldn’t stay here for long, so he started to take off the guards upon his arms and hands.
His privileges were limited, and the rules he had to live under many. He had to avoid coming into direct contact with any of the guards or servants. The training grounds, which were frequented by the guards of the palace, were hard to enter. Halua had to sneak his way in at odd hours in the day if he hoped to do use the equipment and train his body as a man ought. The times he managed to come were too few and too far apart that Halua felt frail and weak, like some helpless animal doomed to be killed and eaten.
Halfway through the process of removing the armor, he heard footsteps approach. His head snapped up, anxious at who it might be. He inwardly sighed when he saw it to be only Mern, his father’s advisor and personal attendant. He was of the few who knew the truth about his existence and often played messenger between his parents. He was also the only one aside from Hila who was kind to him.
“Yes?”
Mern stood in the doorway, looking at him carefully. Halua was conscious of the way he stared at the equipment still strapped to his arms and hastily finished to take them off. Just as he put them down, Mern spoke, “Lord Teth has called for you.”
Halua was taken by surprise, his eyes widening. His father rarely called for him, least of all in the middle of the day like this. Swallowing thickly, Halua stumbled over a response. “Does... he want me right now?”
Halfway through the process of removing the armor, he heard footsteps approach. His head snapped up, anxious at who it might be. He inwardly sighed when he saw it to be only Mern, his father’s advisor and personal attendant. He was of the few who knew the truth about his existence and often played messenger between his parents. He was also the only one aside from Hila who was kind to him.
“Yes?”
Mern stood in the doorway, looking at him carefully. Halua was conscious of the way he stared at the equipment still strapped to his arms and hastily finished to take them off. Just as he put them down, Mern spoke, “Lord Teth has called for you.”
Halua was taken by surprise, his eyes widening. His father rarely called for him, least of all in the middle of the day like this. Swallowing thickly, Halua stumbled over a response. “Does... he want me right now?”
He couldn’t possibly imagine what the man could want with him. It almost scared him to think of what it might be.
Mern’s lips tightened faintly, an action that could have easily been missed if Halua wasn’t paying such close attention. “It would not be wise to make him wait. He wishes to speak with you of important business.” His eyes raked over Halua’s form, slightly dirty and sweat stained from his exercise. “You will have to go as you are. In fact, it might be better.”
Halua frowned slightly, confused by what the man meant. He didn’t get the chance to ask when he was ushered to follow Mern back to the main house. They walked quickly, carefully avoiding any of the servants as they made their way up to the doors and through the corridors. Halua rarely ever stepped foot in here. In fact, it was only three or four times that he had the privilege to do so.
Always, it was like seeing something for the first time. Halua was reminded of how different he was, how unwanted he was, because he could never step inside these halls without express permission. He would never know what it would be like to grow bored of the glamor as he shadowed Mern to the East study. The older man stopped just before the doors and knocked. “My lord? I have returned.”
Mern’s lips tightened faintly, an action that could have easily been missed if Halua wasn’t paying such close attention. “It would not be wise to make him wait. He wishes to speak with you of important business.” His eyes raked over Halua’s form, slightly dirty and sweat stained from his exercise. “You will have to go as you are. In fact, it might be better.”
Halua frowned slightly, confused by what the man meant. He didn’t get the chance to ask when he was ushered to follow Mern back to the main house. They walked quickly, carefully avoiding any of the servants as they made their way up to the doors and through the corridors. Halua rarely ever stepped foot in here. In fact, it was only three or four times that he had the privilege to do so.
Always, it was like seeing something for the first time. Halua was reminded of how different he was, how unwanted he was, because he could never step inside these halls without express permission. He would never know what it would be like to grow bored of the glamor as he shadowed Mern to the East study. The older man stopped just before the doors and knocked. “My lord? I have returned.”
“Come in.”
Permission given, Mern opened the door and stepped aside to allow Halua in. He closed the door behind them and stood by the door while Halua continued forward. Halua turned to the man who stood by the window and stared even though he didn’t have the right to do so. This was his father that he barely knew. Lowering his gaze, he was quiet as he waited for Teth to say something.
Teth looked him over with a calculating eye. “Come here,” he commanded, to which Halua hesitantly complied until he stood before the man. He took a step toward Halua and walked around him slowly. “You look much like Hila.”
Unsure how to respond to that, Halua simply remained silent, keeping his gaze toward the floor. Though he had gotten compliments before, even if it was a rare occurrence, his father never once spoke of how he looked.
“What were you doing just now?”
“I was practicing with the bow... sir,” Halua added in afterthought. Despite being his own father’s son, because he was one in secret, he often felt they weren’t really related. Teth never allowed him to address him as father, so Halua had to find some other title as substitute. As a result, talking to him was like talking to a stranger, a man of higher status that one did not disrespect.
Teth stopped before him, hands clasped behind his back. “Do you practice often?”
“No, sir. Only once in a while, if the grounds are empty. I can only practice combat when no one is around.” These were words he had been told before. Words he could easily parrot back to the man who had first said them.
“What else do you do?”
Confused by the question, not sure what the goal of this interrogation was, Halua took a moment to find an answer. “I... I mostly stay with my mother and help her. We tend to the house and the surrounding grounds when there is no help.”
“Has she taught you any skills?”
“Skills, sir?” he echoed, daring to look up before quickly returning his gaze to his feet.
“Yes. Skills of a woman. Has she passed on her talents?”
Halua mentally stumbled. He couldn’t understand why he was being asked this. “I... yes, some.” When silence stretched between them as if Teth expected him to continue, he risked another glance from behind his bangs and elaborated, “I have been taught how to use the needle, working with fabrics, and gardening, how to arrange flowers...”
“Has she taught you any music?”
“Some, yes. I am not so talented at the flute, but she says that I am good with strings, especially the kalin.”
Teth nodded as though in approval and swept his eyes over Halua’s form once more. He seemed to be mulling over something before he finally spoke once more. “Let me see your hands.” The command was, like the questions, peculiar. Halua complied without voicing any of the questions running through his head and turned his palms up to let his father see.
The man looked down at them with an unreadable gaze before turning his hands over. Halua could only assume he was checking for something, but what that something actually was, he didn’t know. It was soon to become clear, though, as Teth took a step back and tilted his chin back, forcing Halua to look up at him.
“Truly, you share your mother’s beauty. It will come in handy.” Teth let go of the boy’s chin yet held his gaze. “Halua, you have valuable assets that will serve this kingdom. I have no daughter, and I do not have the time or leeway to train one of the maids to perform this task, so you must do me proud. It is vital that you succeed. Failure for you would mean failure for all of us. Understand, it will bring you no honor, and it will strip you of your pride and sense of self, but do it for me and I will reward you, my son.”
Those two words, “my son,” could not have been a better weapon. Never had his father properly claimed him as his own. Never had he truly acknowledged his existence. Halua had always felt cast aside because his brothers received the full endearment of their father while he alone could not because of the shame of his birth. Here, hearing Teth call his name - something he never did - and claiming him as his son, was the best thing he could ever ask for.
“What is it?” he dared to ask, his breath caught tight in his chest. He wasn’t sure if this was a dream or not, but he hoped it wasn’t. He would do anything to be accepted and recognized.
“You are to be engaged to the heir of the Fujsha.”
The anticipation that wrapped around Halua’s chest faltered slightly at his father’s words. Engaged? To the heir of Fujsha? ...Heir? Confusion bled into his expression. “Sir...?”
Teth’s lips tightened slightly. “We have been fighting the Immiqi for months and I have lost two of my sons. Two of your brothers are dead. I have spoken with the Fujsha and they have agreed to ally with us on account that the heir be wed to one of ours. I do not have a daughter, but they do not know of you. You are to become my daughter to ensure this alliance takes place. Do you understand?”
Halua’s mind reeled. He had heard his father’s words of the task bringing him no honor and being stripped of his pride, but he had not imagined this. Never had he heard of such a plan before. Though he was not schooled in politics like his brothers, nor did he fully understand military tactics, even he thought this plan to be foolish. Absolutely crazy, in fact.
Yet he could not say it aloud. He could not refuse and call his father mad despite his desire to. Pained and conflicted, Halua’s heart sank in the pit of his stomach. Did his father not care for him? Did he think nothing of him? Teth was going to use him like some peace offering to another kingdom and while impersonating a woman! Who could possibly believe he was female? Surely his husband-to-be would figure it out. And when he did, Halua’s blood would paint the streets as a symbol of Ta’atnnai’s betrayal.
Halua stared in unhindered shock, at a loss for words. He could not think of anything to say, not a shout of defiance or even a reluctant mutter of acceptance. If he did not do this, his father would not recognize him. If he did, he would surely die. Being abandoned was just as terrible as death. How could his father make him choose between the two paths?
Teth stared down at him silently, wearing a stoic expression on his wrinkled face. “I will fully acknowledge you as my own if you do this.”
Halua’s heart twisted. He knew this was important to his father. Whether he thought it a sane idea or not, to his father it was an important task. If he did this properly, his father would finally, truly see him as his own. Torn, Halua slowly lowered his gaze. He wanted it so badly. He wanted his father’s love so badly, he was willing to risk death for it.
He squeezed his eyes shut and slowly nodded his head. The acceptance of this task was like the lid being closed upon a coffin. It need only be nailed and his fate would be sealed.
Teth stepped around him as though he was no more than a piece of furniture in the middle of the floor. “Return home and clean yourself up. I will have Mern send someone over who will be your personal attendant. You are not to speak the truth to anyone. Hila may know, but she is not to say anything either. Mern will tell you the rest. Mern,” he called, his voice carrying across the room.
Mern took a step forward, bowing his head respectfully. “Yes, my lord?”
“Take Halua back and make arrangements for his... task.”
Mern glanced at Halua who looked back with barely contained misery. He felt sorry for the boy, for what Teth was forcing him to do, but he could not grant him any peace of mind. “Yes, my lord.” He beckoned for Halua to come and took the boy out of the room.
Halua was guided back to the guest house in the same fashion that he had come. He was silent all the while, his gaze lowered. He felt heavy inside; it should have been a pleasure to help his father with such an important task, but he was not all that enthused about it. When they returned to the branch house, Mern told him to get his mother.
He went upstairs to call for her and found her in the study. “Mother. Mern is downstairs.”
Hila looked up from her embroidery. “Mern?” she echoed, her voice clear and melodious like morning bells. Halua always enjoyed listening to her, especially when she sang. The sound always soothed him, especially as a child, but even now they did little to ease the pain of his heart.
“Yes. He is... well, there is something important to tell you.”
Hila straightened, her expression alert, and put down her craft. She stood and came to his side, following him down where Mern was waiting in the foyer. “How may I help you?”
Mern gestured toward the main living room. “Perhaps we should sit down for this.”
The three of them moved to the other room and sat around the sofas. Mern, without hesitation, explained the situation to Hila, starting from the war to Teth’s plan to end it. When it came down to Halua being betrothed, Hila was perfectly still. Her expression was unreadable and her posture stiff as she learned just what it meant for her son to be engaged to the Fujsha heir.
“And he is to remain like this for... how long?”
Mern shook his head. “I cannot say. It may be until the war it over, or it may be for the rest of his life, if the Fujsha do not find out about it first.”
Hila looked at Halua, her lips slightly pursed. She reached out and touched his cheek, brushing aside his hair. The way she looked at him almost seemed to say, “If only you weren’t so beautiful,” though she never spoke these words aloud. Halua said nothing in return, but it was clear he had resigned to his fate.
Sighing, Hila placed her hand atop Halua’s and turned back to Mern. “Is there anything in particular we must prepare him for?”
“Young Halua will have to learn the ways of a bride-to-be as well as a woman of his age. He will be forbidden from any more outdoor training. A personal attendant will be assigned shortly to help. His lordship plans on making an announcement in one month’s time.”
Hila drew in a quick breath and held it. “Halua will be ready at that time.”
Mern nodded and stood. “I will send over his attendant and an array of clothing in three hours time.” He bowed to the two before taking his leave.
Once he was gone, Hila turned to Halua and cupped his cheek with her other hand. “Are you certain you are fine with this?”
Halua touched his mother’s wrist, tilting into her touch. “Father will finally accept me. I may not be a proper son in his eyes, but if I can be a proper daughter...”
The woman sighed heavily. She leaned in to kiss his forehead. Halua struggled with the unfairness of being both her’s and Teth's offspring. Ostracized from birth, hated by his siblings, it was only natural he would yearn so desperately for love. “I understand. I do not like it, but if that is your choice, I will go along with it.” She brushed his hair back and released him. “Go clean up and be thorough. We will start your training immediately. One month is not nearly enough to teach you everything...” With a gesture, she dismissed Halua.
The boy nodded and got up, quickly retreating upstairs to the bath. He took a good half hour or so washing himself clean. He scrubbed off all the dirt and sweat, and used a tiny brush to get under his nails. When he finished and dried, he combed out the tangles in his hair. Like his mother’s, he had hair as black as midnight, adopting the soft waves that framed his androgynous face.
As he dried off and dressed, Halua stared at his reflection in the mirror. Were it not for his features, his face, and the fact he was hidden, he would not have been charged with this absurd task. But for his father, for his love and affection, Halua was willing to give up what bit of himself he had.
Rejoining his mother in her room, the woman groomed him and tended to his features, helping him to prepare for his new life. When the three hours were up, there came a knock on the door. It was time to start the transformation.
Permission given, Mern opened the door and stepped aside to allow Halua in. He closed the door behind them and stood by the door while Halua continued forward. Halua turned to the man who stood by the window and stared even though he didn’t have the right to do so. This was his father that he barely knew. Lowering his gaze, he was quiet as he waited for Teth to say something.
Teth looked him over with a calculating eye. “Come here,” he commanded, to which Halua hesitantly complied until he stood before the man. He took a step toward Halua and walked around him slowly. “You look much like Hila.”
Unsure how to respond to that, Halua simply remained silent, keeping his gaze toward the floor. Though he had gotten compliments before, even if it was a rare occurrence, his father never once spoke of how he looked.
“What were you doing just now?”
“I was practicing with the bow... sir,” Halua added in afterthought. Despite being his own father’s son, because he was one in secret, he often felt they weren’t really related. Teth never allowed him to address him as father, so Halua had to find some other title as substitute. As a result, talking to him was like talking to a stranger, a man of higher status that one did not disrespect.
Teth stopped before him, hands clasped behind his back. “Do you practice often?”
“No, sir. Only once in a while, if the grounds are empty. I can only practice combat when no one is around.” These were words he had been told before. Words he could easily parrot back to the man who had first said them.
“What else do you do?”
Confused by the question, not sure what the goal of this interrogation was, Halua took a moment to find an answer. “I... I mostly stay with my mother and help her. We tend to the house and the surrounding grounds when there is no help.”
“Has she taught you any skills?”
“Skills, sir?” he echoed, daring to look up before quickly returning his gaze to his feet.
“Yes. Skills of a woman. Has she passed on her talents?”
Halua mentally stumbled. He couldn’t understand why he was being asked this. “I... yes, some.” When silence stretched between them as if Teth expected him to continue, he risked another glance from behind his bangs and elaborated, “I have been taught how to use the needle, working with fabrics, and gardening, how to arrange flowers...”
“Has she taught you any music?”
“Some, yes. I am not so talented at the flute, but she says that I am good with strings, especially the kalin.”
Teth nodded as though in approval and swept his eyes over Halua’s form once more. He seemed to be mulling over something before he finally spoke once more. “Let me see your hands.” The command was, like the questions, peculiar. Halua complied without voicing any of the questions running through his head and turned his palms up to let his father see.
The man looked down at them with an unreadable gaze before turning his hands over. Halua could only assume he was checking for something, but what that something actually was, he didn’t know. It was soon to become clear, though, as Teth took a step back and tilted his chin back, forcing Halua to look up at him.
“Truly, you share your mother’s beauty. It will come in handy.” Teth let go of the boy’s chin yet held his gaze. “Halua, you have valuable assets that will serve this kingdom. I have no daughter, and I do not have the time or leeway to train one of the maids to perform this task, so you must do me proud. It is vital that you succeed. Failure for you would mean failure for all of us. Understand, it will bring you no honor, and it will strip you of your pride and sense of self, but do it for me and I will reward you, my son.”
Those two words, “my son,” could not have been a better weapon. Never had his father properly claimed him as his own. Never had he truly acknowledged his existence. Halua had always felt cast aside because his brothers received the full endearment of their father while he alone could not because of the shame of his birth. Here, hearing Teth call his name - something he never did - and claiming him as his son, was the best thing he could ever ask for.
“What is it?” he dared to ask, his breath caught tight in his chest. He wasn’t sure if this was a dream or not, but he hoped it wasn’t. He would do anything to be accepted and recognized.
“You are to be engaged to the heir of the Fujsha.”
The anticipation that wrapped around Halua’s chest faltered slightly at his father’s words. Engaged? To the heir of Fujsha? ...Heir? Confusion bled into his expression. “Sir...?”
Teth’s lips tightened slightly. “We have been fighting the Immiqi for months and I have lost two of my sons. Two of your brothers are dead. I have spoken with the Fujsha and they have agreed to ally with us on account that the heir be wed to one of ours. I do not have a daughter, but they do not know of you. You are to become my daughter to ensure this alliance takes place. Do you understand?”
Halua’s mind reeled. He had heard his father’s words of the task bringing him no honor and being stripped of his pride, but he had not imagined this. Never had he heard of such a plan before. Though he was not schooled in politics like his brothers, nor did he fully understand military tactics, even he thought this plan to be foolish. Absolutely crazy, in fact.
Yet he could not say it aloud. He could not refuse and call his father mad despite his desire to. Pained and conflicted, Halua’s heart sank in the pit of his stomach. Did his father not care for him? Did he think nothing of him? Teth was going to use him like some peace offering to another kingdom and while impersonating a woman! Who could possibly believe he was female? Surely his husband-to-be would figure it out. And when he did, Halua’s blood would paint the streets as a symbol of Ta’atnnai’s betrayal.
Halua stared in unhindered shock, at a loss for words. He could not think of anything to say, not a shout of defiance or even a reluctant mutter of acceptance. If he did not do this, his father would not recognize him. If he did, he would surely die. Being abandoned was just as terrible as death. How could his father make him choose between the two paths?
Teth stared down at him silently, wearing a stoic expression on his wrinkled face. “I will fully acknowledge you as my own if you do this.”
Halua’s heart twisted. He knew this was important to his father. Whether he thought it a sane idea or not, to his father it was an important task. If he did this properly, his father would finally, truly see him as his own. Torn, Halua slowly lowered his gaze. He wanted it so badly. He wanted his father’s love so badly, he was willing to risk death for it.
He squeezed his eyes shut and slowly nodded his head. The acceptance of this task was like the lid being closed upon a coffin. It need only be nailed and his fate would be sealed.
Teth stepped around him as though he was no more than a piece of furniture in the middle of the floor. “Return home and clean yourself up. I will have Mern send someone over who will be your personal attendant. You are not to speak the truth to anyone. Hila may know, but she is not to say anything either. Mern will tell you the rest. Mern,” he called, his voice carrying across the room.
Mern took a step forward, bowing his head respectfully. “Yes, my lord?”
“Take Halua back and make arrangements for his... task.”
Mern glanced at Halua who looked back with barely contained misery. He felt sorry for the boy, for what Teth was forcing him to do, but he could not grant him any peace of mind. “Yes, my lord.” He beckoned for Halua to come and took the boy out of the room.
Halua was guided back to the guest house in the same fashion that he had come. He was silent all the while, his gaze lowered. He felt heavy inside; it should have been a pleasure to help his father with such an important task, but he was not all that enthused about it. When they returned to the branch house, Mern told him to get his mother.
He went upstairs to call for her and found her in the study. “Mother. Mern is downstairs.”
Hila looked up from her embroidery. “Mern?” she echoed, her voice clear and melodious like morning bells. Halua always enjoyed listening to her, especially when she sang. The sound always soothed him, especially as a child, but even now they did little to ease the pain of his heart.
“Yes. He is... well, there is something important to tell you.”
Hila straightened, her expression alert, and put down her craft. She stood and came to his side, following him down where Mern was waiting in the foyer. “How may I help you?”
Mern gestured toward the main living room. “Perhaps we should sit down for this.”
The three of them moved to the other room and sat around the sofas. Mern, without hesitation, explained the situation to Hila, starting from the war to Teth’s plan to end it. When it came down to Halua being betrothed, Hila was perfectly still. Her expression was unreadable and her posture stiff as she learned just what it meant for her son to be engaged to the Fujsha heir.
“And he is to remain like this for... how long?”
Mern shook his head. “I cannot say. It may be until the war it over, or it may be for the rest of his life, if the Fujsha do not find out about it first.”
Hila looked at Halua, her lips slightly pursed. She reached out and touched his cheek, brushing aside his hair. The way she looked at him almost seemed to say, “If only you weren’t so beautiful,” though she never spoke these words aloud. Halua said nothing in return, but it was clear he had resigned to his fate.
Sighing, Hila placed her hand atop Halua’s and turned back to Mern. “Is there anything in particular we must prepare him for?”
“Young Halua will have to learn the ways of a bride-to-be as well as a woman of his age. He will be forbidden from any more outdoor training. A personal attendant will be assigned shortly to help. His lordship plans on making an announcement in one month’s time.”
Hila drew in a quick breath and held it. “Halua will be ready at that time.”
Mern nodded and stood. “I will send over his attendant and an array of clothing in three hours time.” He bowed to the two before taking his leave.
Once he was gone, Hila turned to Halua and cupped his cheek with her other hand. “Are you certain you are fine with this?”
Halua touched his mother’s wrist, tilting into her touch. “Father will finally accept me. I may not be a proper son in his eyes, but if I can be a proper daughter...”
The woman sighed heavily. She leaned in to kiss his forehead. Halua struggled with the unfairness of being both her’s and Teth's offspring. Ostracized from birth, hated by his siblings, it was only natural he would yearn so desperately for love. “I understand. I do not like it, but if that is your choice, I will go along with it.” She brushed his hair back and released him. “Go clean up and be thorough. We will start your training immediately. One month is not nearly enough to teach you everything...” With a gesture, she dismissed Halua.
The boy nodded and got up, quickly retreating upstairs to the bath. He took a good half hour or so washing himself clean. He scrubbed off all the dirt and sweat, and used a tiny brush to get under his nails. When he finished and dried, he combed out the tangles in his hair. Like his mother’s, he had hair as black as midnight, adopting the soft waves that framed his androgynous face.
As he dried off and dressed, Halua stared at his reflection in the mirror. Were it not for his features, his face, and the fact he was hidden, he would not have been charged with this absurd task. But for his father, for his love and affection, Halua was willing to give up what bit of himself he had.
Rejoining his mother in her room, the woman groomed him and tended to his features, helping him to prepare for his new life. When the three hours were up, there came a knock on the door. It was time to start the transformation.
-x-
kalin : a string instrument with eight strings stretched over a wooden frame 120cm (approx. 4 ft) in length
updated 4/1/2012
0 comments:
Post a Comment